Got Etiquette Advice?

  Etiquette is basically the protocol we use in any given situation.   It is the behavior expected of us.   Still, not everyone is comfortable with their knowledge of what is considered proper or appropriate.   On an average day, I will receive questions about all aspects of etiquette. Here are a few questions from some of our readers.   One thing you may notice in my responses is that the etiquette I suggest makes sense.   It is logical.   Shirtless Party? Hi Polite One , Is it improper to go shirtless on a hot summer day at a backyard barbeque with friends and close family members? Shirtless Dear Shirtless, If this is a pool party, it would be fine as many would be shirtless and in swimsuits.   However, if it is simply a dinner party or gathering, it is best to remain clothed.   Ask yourself if it would be an appropriate time for the ladies to be wearing swimsuits or go shirtless.   If the answer is no, then the men s...

  Dear Polite One, We just recently completed a home remodel and had an open house party with cocktails and  horse  d'oeuvres .   Many of the roughly 100 guests brought housewarming gifts, although we didn’t expect them.   Are thank-you notes appropriate? Wonderful Friends Dear Wonderful Friends, It sounds like you are a gracious host!  Excellent.  A handwritten thank you note for gifts you receive is always a great idea.  Most sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One How can I include my registries on my housewarming party invitation? Who hosts a housewarming party, when and how? What is an appropriate housewarming gift?

  Dear Polite One, My question deals with offering alcoholic beverages at parties . Is it rude for the host who does not drink himself, to not offer drinks to those who do?  I would love to know the answer because I am planning a dinner party and am unsure. Sober Dear Sober, It isn’t entirely rude, but it is slightly inconsiderate.  As hosts, we should always consider our guest’s preferences.  And people who do drink like to do so during a party.  It is just a common component found at parties.  This isn’t to say that it cannot be done.  You could verbally inform your guests that you do not drink and therefore won’t be serving any alcohol .  They can then choose to attend or not.  You could serve drinks that seem like alcoholic drinks minus the alcohol.  There are many recipes online for ‘virgin’ drinks. Another option is to host your “gathering” in the early afternoon when most don’t drink alcohol.  Perhaps it could b...

  Dear Polite One, Is a military going away party a gift-giving occasion? Pondering Dear Pondering, No, it is not a gift -giving situation. This isn't to say that you couldn't give something useful.  But you'd have to ask what he/she is allowed to take.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One     Acknowledge the birth of brother’s child with a card? Single person gives the same as married couples? How can I give a gift when I have no money?  

  Dear Polite One, My brother's fiancée’s sister just gave birth.  I'm wondering if I should acknowledge the birth with flowers or a card.  My brother filmed the birth. Thank you, Jennifer Dear Jennifer, It is entirely your choice.  The very least would be to send a card.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One       Do we include favors for an adult birthday party? How to request funds for college account? How to request no gifts for child’s birthday party?

  Dear Polite One, We are hosting a party to honor our daughter's kindergarten graduation. She has many family and friends who have participated in her life and would enjoy such a milestone celebration.  Since she doesn't need toys, we want cash gifts for her future. How do we inform guests of our wishes?  We will also have a money tree at the party.  Proud Mom Dear Proud Mom, This is very confusing as it is far from a gift -giving event.  It's just not done and may be equally confusing to your guests.  Moreover, requesting cash, in any form, especially for a non-gift-giving event may appear as greedy.  It may appear as if you want others to provide for your daughter's future when it is your responsibility.  Please also note that a money tree is never done anymore.  All of this is just not good manners.  Sincerely The Polite One More by The Polite One How do I inform guests of attire, gift request and they pay for...

  Dear Polite One, I am planning my father's retirement party .  Is it proper manners to include a money tree so my father might receive a nice vacation?   Cash for Dad Dear Cash for Dad, Sorry, but this is not considered a gift-giving event.  Some may give a small gift , but it is never appropriate to expect or request one.  Plus, money trees (yikes!) are viewed very negatively.      Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One How do I inform guests of attire, gift request and they pay for meals? How can I include my registries on my housewarming party invitation? Who hosts a housewarming party, when and how?

  Dear Polite One, I’m hosting my retiring husband a dinner and dance.  Guest are required to pay for their meal, but I will pay for all gratuities, which comes to a pretty penny.  How do I convey this on the invitation, plus that gifts are welcome, and the event is formal?  I expect guests to dress in black tie.  How do I inform guests? Wife of retiree Dear Wife of Retiree, There is a very simple rule: you invite, you pay.  Guests should never be expected to pay for the party.  If he wants a party , he needs to pay for it.  So, if this party is too expensive, it should be revised or scaled-down.  Requesting gifts is another social faux pas.  It's just not good manners.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Who hosts a housewarming party, when and how? What is an appropriate housewarming gift? Are favors appropriate for a religious event?

  Hi Polite One, We are going to a housewarming party at our friend's new house and have no idea what to get them for a housewarming gift.  What is an appropriate gift to give them? Wants to Please Hello Wants to Please, Although, a gift is optional you could give them anything you feel they could use in their new home. Usually, people give wine, books, flowers, candles, plants, or some sort of small decoration. One guest to my site recently suggested giving a fire extinguisher.  This is a great, life-saving idea. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Perfect housewarming gift! How can I include my registries on my housewarming party invitation? Who hosts a housewarming party, when and how?

Dear Polite One, What is the proper etiquette for hosting a housewarming party ?  As the homeowner do I host it for myself or should someone else?  Is it held at my new house? When should it be held? Do I register? Who is invited?  Without a Clue                                                Dear Without a Clue , Since the purpose of the housewarming is to warm the home with love, it is not considered a gift-giving event.  Some guests typically give small token gifts such as candles, books, or bottles of wine.   This is not an event to register for and we don't mention or expect gifts. Because the purpose is to warm the home with love, the homeowner hosts in the home and invites everyone who is important to him/her....

  Dear Polite One, How can I inform guests of my housewarming party invitation of my registries? Dear Visitor , I’m sorry, but this is never appropriate.  Since a housewarming is a party we host for ourselves, we shouldn't expect or request gifts. Registering and announcing it could appear greedy.  Plus, you are creating a gift-giving situation for yourself.  Not polite.   A housewarming is supposed to be a party to warm our home with love, not gifts. Some may give us small token gifts. Mostly, they come to visit. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One How can we host a gift-less housewarming party? Perfect housewarming gift! What should I do with the gift bottle?

  Dear Polite One, My husband and I recently moved into a home we built.  We've been married for over 35 years, and although we want to host a housewarming party , we don't need anything.  We'd like to just have friends and family come to see our new home and socialize informally.  Every time I mention the idea to others, they ask where we’re registered.  The thought of registering for this seems crazy. How can we host a housewarming party without the invitees feeling obliged to gift shower-like gifts ?   Feeling Odd Dear Feeling Odd , This shower-like syndrome has made this sweet party more difficult to host. It's unfortunate.  There is no reason you can't still host this as a housewarming party.  You may have to verbally inform your guests that it isn’t a shower though.   This fad of registering for most everything is crazy, though.  People are also registering for their birthdays, graduations, and retirement parties now...

  Dear Polite One, When I entertain, I don't want assistance in the kitchen.  I have my reasons. So, is there a polite way to say, "thanks but no thanks".  I want to let them know I appreciate their offer but don't want to haggle over it.  Is this polite or am I being a bad hostess by declining their help? Needs no Assistance Dear Needs no Assistance, Perhaps try thanking them for their offer , following up with, "I am such a stickler for how things should be done in the kitchen that my (pick your noun) is afraid to help." Then laugh/smile. This is usually effective, keeps guests laughing, and out of the kitchen.  You may still be stuck with them underfoot. If so, just smile and tell yourself that it is only one night.   The one rule is that as well-mannered hosts , would try to avoid making our guests feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, this means that sometimes we must allow others to help.  Alternately, you could wait to clean up until...

  Dear Polite One, What is proper attire in church? I was brought up to believe that parishioners should dress up.  That's why nicer clothes are called: Sunday's best.   Today, it seems that people dress in their gardening clothes.  Dressed in Sunday's Best Dear Dressed in Sunday's Best, Your perception of Sunday's best compared to others is most likely completely different. I too believe that church should be a place of some reverence , where one should dress more conservatively.  However, people don't come to church to compare attire choices. The reason should be to worship one's God.  So, it is probably best to forget our increasing casualness and focus on the real reason to be in church.  Sincerely, The Polite One More From The Polite One Appropriate Dinner and Dancing Charity Event Attire? Do I remove the gloves when eating? Is it appropriate to attend a charity event solo? Attire?

  Dear Polite One, Is there a time limit on sending thank-you notes after a funeral? My father's funeral was two months ago and I haven't sent any out yet.  Grateful but sad Dear Grateful but Sad, Please accept my sincere condolences on your loss.   In my opinion, it is never too late to say (or write) thank you. Ideally, you would send your thank-you notes within a month.  However, this is not usually the case; the bereaved usually take much longer.  This is understandable. So, take your time, but please write them. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Ms. or Mrs. for a divorced woman? Listing “No Children” and “Monetary Gifts” on the Invitation? She is hosting her party and asking for gifts!

  A thank you note is such a small thing, yet so enormously powerful in our personal and professional life.  Please master this skill.   Dear Polite One, My husband and I were recently invited to the home of one of his co-workers for dinner who is a talented chef. We brought a bottle of wine and flowers. We, with three other couples, enjoyed a wonderful dinner and conversation, etc.  Is it proper to send a thank-you note for a most enjoyable evening? Visitor from Worcester, Massachusetts Dear Visitor from Worcester, Massachusetts, Yes, it is.  I'm so glad that you asked me.  Many are forgetting the nicety of writing thank-you notes for a dinner invitation to another’s home.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One “One gift per invitee." How many gifts? Ms. or Mrs. for a divorced woman? Correspondence: Dr and Hubby, Grieving Brother-In-Law

Please remember that adult birthday parties are not considered gift-giving events. Plus, if you are hosting any type of party, please do not expect your guests to pay for it.  As a host, you provide everything. Dear Etiquette Guru, I read one of your questions from a young girl that asked for advice on how to ask "guests" to pay for their meal at a party she is "hosting"....huh?! You are not a host if you are asking anyone to pay for anything. That is just obscene! I've never heard of such a thing. When you invite friends/family to a restaurant for a celebration it is common knowledge that you are hosting it, which means you are paying. I'm wondering how these GIRLS are being raised?! On a literal brighter note, I appreciate all the information you provide especially to those that are clueless. I love your site. Respectfully, Thankful to be in California! The Polite One’s Reply: Thank you for your support.  And it is good to note that we ...