Got Etiquette Advice?

  Dear Polite One , How does one address heterosexual domestic partners with a child ? The child has the last name of the father. The child's middle name is the mother's last name. How should envelopes be addressed? How should the inside of a formal letter/invitation and informal letter/invitation be addressed? Sue Smith and Frank Jones and Zak    The Smith-Jones Family                      Mr. Frank Jones and Ms. Sue Smith and Son (or Zak) Should their signatures read Sue Smith, Frank Jones, and Zak Smith-Jones or Frank, Sue, and Zak? Confused Dear Confused, The formal invitation uses two envelopes.  The outer would read Mr. Frank Jones and Ms. Sue Smith on two lines.  The inner envelope would read Mr. Jones, Ms. Smith, Zak Smith Jones all on separate lines.  The informal invitation would read the Jones-Smith F...

  Etiquette is basically the protocol we use in any given situation.   It is the behavior expected of us.   Still, not everyone is comfortable with their knowledge of what is considered proper or appropriate.   On an average day, I will receive questions about all aspects of etiquette. Here are a few questions from some of our readers.   One thing you may notice in my responses is that the etiquette I suggest makes sense.   It is logical.   Shirtless Party? Hi Polite One , Is it improper to go shirtless on a hot summer day at a backyard barbeque with friends and close family members? Shirtless Dear Shirtless, If this is a pool party, it would be fine as many would be shirtless and in swimsuits.   However, if it is simply a dinner party or gathering, it is best to remain clothed.   Ask yourself if it would be an appropriate time for the ladies to be wearing swimsuits or go shirtless.   If the answer is no, then the men s...

  Dear Polite One, My city bus driver is very nice and always waits for me at the bus stop before she leaves.  She always goes above the expected. What kind of gift is appropriate to give her as thanks? Thanks, Tracie Dear Tracie, Great question!   We should acknowledge those with whom we have a relationship or who have assisted us.  The holidays are a perfect time to do this, but we can give our thanks any time.  Since the bus driver isn't a close friend, it is best to give her something generic, but thoughtful and not too expensive.  Use what you know about her.  Does she always wear cute little pins on her uniform?  Does she always have a Starbucks coffee on her dash?  Those are clues to thoughtful gifts you could give.  Perhaps she loves to read.  Try to find out as much as possible in a few days to make a good choice.   A gift card of $20-$25 is a good amount to a coffee shop or bookstore is...

  Dear Polite One, I'm attending a brief hour at a neighbor's house to discuss "town" issues and meet for the first time.  The neighbors are inviting a few couples and have offered cocktails .  Is it appropriate for us to bring a bottle of wine since it will be the first time to our neighbor's home?  My husband thinks it is overkill given that we're only going over for an hour and probably one drink. Please advise. Thanks, Gail  Dear Gail, This is optional.  But it is a very nice gesture and something I would do.  This neighbor has offered his home and refreshments.  So, it is polite to offer something.  Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Dinner Party Etiquette in Four Situations When guests bring food, should they take the leftovers home? How do I politely decline offers of help?

  Hello Polite One, My partner and I disagree about the proper etiquette when guests bring food to a dinner party . She insists on sending whatever is leftover back home with them (especially dessert). She does it mostly because she doesn't want it in the house.  But the guests often look offended, as if we didn't enjoy the food . I say we should keep it, offer it to them perhaps, but not insist. Any thoughts? Thank you. Lynn in Trinidad, California Dear Lynn in Trinidad, California, Great question.  When a guest gives you something, even food, it is a gift .  If you return it to them, it is as if you are saying that you didn't want it. I guess you win this disagreement. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Dinner Party Etiquette in Four Situations When guests bring food, should they take the leftovers home? How do I politely decline offers of help? 

Dear Polite One, We are going to visit my brother-in-law and his wife.  While visiting them, his boss is throwing a birthday party for his twin daughter's one-year-old birthday.  Although we do not know the family, my brother-in-law has requested we attend the party with them.  He has his boss’s permission.  Our question is, should we bring a gift for the girls that we do not know, or is just a gift from my brother-in-law correct? Stephanie Dear Stephanie, You are not expected to give a gift to the children .  However, you have been included and should give a hostess gift, such as flowers. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Hostess Gift, Buffets, and Dietary Dilemmas Two Tips for New Relationships How did the American method begin?

  Dear Polite One, A cleaning service cleans my home once a month.  Since I assume gifts, or at least a tip , are expected by house cleaners for the holidays, what should I give? I'm having difficulty figuring this out since there is always a team of people who are not necessarily the same each time. Holiday stressed Dear Holiday Stressed, Tipping is discretionary and may depend on the region.  However, the going gratuity rate is $25-$100 during the holidays depending on the level of service you receive. Since they only clean once a month, I suggest $25-$50 per person.  The tip could be shared between those who clean your home.  On the other hand, a nice box of candy with a note would be fine also.  That could also be shared.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Brother agreed to no gifts but gave anyway–what to do? Was it wrong to give a gift to her husband? Niece gave to all children except mine–what to do ?

  Dear Polite One, Is a military going away party a gift-giving occasion? Pondering Dear Pondering, No, it is not a gift -giving situation. This isn't to say that you couldn't give something useful.  But you'd have to ask what he/she is allowed to take.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One     Acknowledge the birth of brother’s child with a card? Single person gives the same as married couples? How can I give a gift when I have no money?  

  Dear Polite One, Should single people give gifts equivalent to the gifts married couples give? As a single person, I don't have as much money as those who have two wage earners in the family. My sister and her husband make twice as much as I do and give me one gift per event.  I give two – one for each of them – plus gifts for their children .  It doesn't seem fair and I'm running out of money.   Gift Poor Single Girl Dear Gift Poor Single Girl, All gift-giving should be viewed as optional, so there are no rules about who gives what and the value of each gift.  None of this matters.  The focus should be on recognizing those we love.  This could be any gesture and doesn't have to include money.  As a single girl , you are the same as any of us.  Spend the amount you wish to spend.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Acknowledge the birth of brother’s child with a card? How to request funds for col...

  Dear Polite One, My best friend invited me to her Sweet 16 breakfast and asked me what I was going to get her for her birthday .   I am 16 and have no job, so how can I give her a gift that she will like without coming empty-handed. Thanks, Jobless Teen Dear Jobless in Teen, Jeez, that wasn't very nice , invite someone to your party and then ask, "What are you getting me?" I'm not sure what you could give her that she won't look down upon. Some people just expect a lot. But candy is usually a good choice.  I can usually make my little girl (40 years old) happy with a $10 box of truffles.   Perhaps your parents or guardians could help you with the costs in exchange for some of your hard labor.  There are a few things we all dislike doing like, cleaning the refrigerator, washing, and waxing the car, and cleaning out the garage. Hopefully, you can work a deal.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One     ...

  Dear Polite One, I am planning my father's retirement party .  Is it proper manners to include a money tree so my father might receive a nice vacation?   Cash for Dad Dear Cash for Dad, Sorry, but this is not considered a gift-giving event.  Some may give a small gift , but it is never appropriate to expect or request one.  Plus, money trees (yikes!) are viewed very negatively.      Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One How do I inform guests of attire, gift request and they pay for meals? How can I include my registries on my housewarming party invitation? Who hosts a housewarming party, when and how?

  Dear Polite One, I’m hosting my retiring husband a dinner and dance.  Guest are required to pay for their meal, but I will pay for all gratuities, which comes to a pretty penny.  How do I convey this on the invitation, plus that gifts are welcome, and the event is formal?  I expect guests to dress in black tie.  How do I inform guests? Wife of retiree Dear Wife of Retiree, There is a very simple rule: you invite, you pay.  Guests should never be expected to pay for the party.  If he wants a party , he needs to pay for it.  So, if this party is too expensive, it should be revised or scaled-down.  Requesting gifts is another social faux pas.  It's just not good manners.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Who hosts a housewarming party, when and how? What is an appropriate housewarming gift? Are favors appropriate for a religious event?

  Hi Polite One, We are going to a housewarming party at our friend's new house and have no idea what to get them for a housewarming gift.  What is an appropriate gift to give them? Wants to Please Hello Wants to Please, Although, a gift is optional you could give them anything you feel they could use in their new home. Usually, people give wine, books, flowers, candles, plants, or some sort of small decoration. One guest to my site recently suggested giving a fire extinguisher.  This is a great, life-saving idea. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Perfect housewarming gift! How can I include my registries on my housewarming party invitation? Who hosts a housewarming party, when and how?

Dear Polite One, What is the proper etiquette for hosting a housewarming party ?  As the homeowner do I host it for myself or should someone else?  Is it held at my new house? When should it be held? Do I register? Who is invited?  Without a Clue                                                Dear Without a Clue , Since the purpose of the housewarming is to warm the home with love, it is not considered a gift-giving event.  Some guests typically give small token gifts such as candles, books, or bottles of wine.   This is not an event to register for and we don't mention or expect gifts. Because the purpose is to warm the home with love, the homeowner hosts in the home and invites everyone who is important to him/her....

  Dear Polite One, How can I inform guests of my housewarming party invitation of my registries? Dear Visitor , I’m sorry, but this is never appropriate.  Since a housewarming is a party we host for ourselves, we shouldn't expect or request gifts. Registering and announcing it could appear greedy.  Plus, you are creating a gift-giving situation for yourself.  Not polite.   A housewarming is supposed to be a party to warm our home with love, not gifts. Some may give us small token gifts. Mostly, they come to visit. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One How can we host a gift-less housewarming party? Perfect housewarming gift! What should I do with the gift bottle?

  Dear Polite One, My husband and I recently moved into a home we built.  We've been married for over 35 years, and although we want to host a housewarming party , we don't need anything.  We'd like to just have friends and family come to see our new home and socialize informally.  Every time I mention the idea to others, they ask where we’re registered.  The thought of registering for this seems crazy. How can we host a housewarming party without the invitees feeling obliged to gift shower-like gifts ?   Feeling Odd Dear Feeling Odd , This shower-like syndrome has made this sweet party more difficult to host. It's unfortunate.  There is no reason you can't still host this as a housewarming party.  You may have to verbally inform your guests that it isn’t a shower though.   This fad of registering for most everything is crazy, though.  People are also registering for their birthdays, graduations, and retirement parties now...