Got Etiquette Advice?

  Etiquette is basically the protocol we use in any given situation.   It is the behavior expected of us.   Still, not everyone is comfortable with their knowledge of what is considered proper or appropriate.   On an average day, I will receive questions about all aspects of etiquette. Here are a few questions from some of our readers.   One thing you may notice in my responses is that the etiquette I suggest makes sense.   It is logical.   Shirtless Party? Hi Polite One , Is it improper to go shirtless on a hot summer day at a backyard barbeque with friends and close family members? Shirtless Dear Shirtless, If this is a pool party, it would be fine as many would be shirtless and in swimsuits.   However, if it is simply a dinner party or gathering, it is best to remain clothed.   Ask yourself if it would be an appropriate time for the ladies to be wearing swimsuits or go shirtless.   If the answer is no, then the men s...

  When we lose someone near and dear, we grieve , but also have questions.   I can’t help with the grieving process, but I can do this... May I wait 6 Months to Host Memorial Services? Dear Polite One , I was just wondering if you know of any rules or guidelines concerning the timing of memorial services.  Is there a time limit as to how many days/weeks/months one can wait to have a service for a loved one who's passed?  Is it acceptable to wait 6 months for an entire group of family and friends to all be available to come together to collectively honor one who is gone?  Many Questions Dear Many Questions, Please accept my sincerest sympathies for your loss. There is no set timeline and is a personal decision.  Sometimes this type of gathering must be hosted weeks after the person has passed.  However, typically the memorial is held within the first month.  This is not a rule, just an observation.  That said, it is perfectl...

  Hello Polite One, My partner and I disagree about the proper etiquette when guests bring food to a dinner party . She insists on sending whatever is leftover back home with them (especially dessert). She does it mostly because she doesn't want it in the house.  But the guests often look offended, as if we didn't enjoy the food . I say we should keep it, offer it to them perhaps, but not insist. Any thoughts? Thank you. Lynn in Trinidad, California Dear Lynn in Trinidad, California, Great question.  When a guest gives you something, even food, it is a gift .  If you return it to them, it is as if you are saying that you didn't want it. I guess you win this disagreement. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Dinner Party Etiquette in Four Situations When guests bring food, should they take the leftovers home? How do I politely decline offers of help? 

  Dear Polite One, My question deals with offering alcoholic beverages at parties . Is it rude for the host who does not drink himself, to not offer drinks to those who do?  I would love to know the answer because I am planning a dinner party and am unsure. Sober Dear Sober, It isn’t entirely rude, but it is slightly inconsiderate.  As hosts, we should always consider our guest’s preferences.  And people who do drink like to do so during a party.  It is just a common component found at parties.  This isn’t to say that it cannot be done.  You could verbally inform your guests that you do not drink and therefore won’t be serving any alcohol .  They can then choose to attend or not.  You could serve drinks that seem like alcoholic drinks minus the alcohol.  There are many recipes online for ‘virgin’ drinks. Another option is to host your “gathering” in the early afternoon when most don’t drink alcohol.  Perhaps it could b...

  Dear Polite One, How can I request guests contribute to my birthday girl's college fund? We'd much rather build up the college fund than have more toys around the house. Dear Funds for the Future, I’m sorry, but this is not polite .  Even though gifts are somewhat expected for the birthday of a child, it is impolite to expect gifts and/or to suggest what those gifts should be. However, you could use "word of mouth" to relay your preference to guests.  But be prepared for some to view this as impolite.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One       Is a money tree appropriate for a retirement party? How can I give a gift when I have no money? Do we include favors for an adult birthday party?

  Dear Polite One, My oldest son returns from deployment at the same time my youngest daughter graduates from high school.  Since both events are reasons to celebrate, should I plan for one party to celebrate both events?  I want to have many of the same people attend, but don't want to overwhelm them with two different dates.  The welcome home part of the party could come first so the military families could leave afterward.   I'm just a little concerned about the gift issue.  I don't want the military families to feel like they should bring one for my daughter.  Should I write this on the invitation? Confused Mom Dear Confused Mom, It might be better to split the parties into separate events, as it isn't as special for your two children. Although, you know more about what is right for your family.  If you do host this as one party, de-emphasizing gift-giving is best. The graduation party is not necessarily a gift-giving ...

    Dear Polite One, My husband's work-related retirement party will be at a restaurant--employer pays for only current employees.  We are allowed to invite others to the party, but I'm at a loss of how to word the invitations, informing them that they will be expected to pay their own check? Thanks, Worried Wife Dear Worried Wife , This is one of the very few exceptions to the "you invite so you pay" rules.  Basically, the reason for the exception is it's organized through the employer.   Contact the restaurant to find out the fee they expect the invited to pay.  It is most common for it to be a choice of predetermined entrees.    Then you could send out an invitation like: Share in celebrating Sam's retirement at Happy Restaurant, 5 pm, Friday, March 1. Happy Restaurant is offering XX, XX, and XX for $$ per person. Please contact XXX for more information.  Hope to see you there.  I would also call each guest t...

  Dear Polite One, I’m hosting my retiring husband a dinner and dance.  Guest are required to pay for their meal, but I will pay for all gratuities, which comes to a pretty penny.  How do I convey this on the invitation, plus that gifts are welcome, and the event is formal?  I expect guests to dress in black tie.  How do I inform guests? Wife of retiree Dear Wife of Retiree, There is a very simple rule: you invite, you pay.  Guests should never be expected to pay for the party.  If he wants a party , he needs to pay for it.  So, if this party is too expensive, it should be revised or scaled-down.  Requesting gifts is another social faux pas.  It's just not good manners.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Who hosts a housewarming party, when and how? What is an appropriate housewarming gift? Are favors appropriate for a religious event?

  Dear Polite One, We are celebrating my daughter's confirmation in a restaurant .  For this type of event, are favors an option?   Also, the affair is for 50 close family & friends. Should the center tables have flowers, or will an ornament do? Regards, Mother Dear Mother , Favors are optional and not traditional.  The party can be most anything you like for it to be.  So, the center table doesn't have to have anything on it.  It really doesn't matter if it appeals to you.  What isn't an option is that all guests are treated.  They shouldn't have to open their wallets while in the restaurant.  This is especially important since this is viewed as a gift-giving event.  Most sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Too late to send an invitation to Bat Mitzvah? Listing “No Children” and “Monetary Gifts” on the Invitation? She is hosting her party and asking for gifts!     

Dear Polite One, What is the proper etiquette for hosting a housewarming party ?  As the homeowner do I host it for myself or should someone else?  Is it held at my new house? When should it be held? Do I register? Who is invited?  Without a Clue                                                Dear Without a Clue , Since the purpose of the housewarming is to warm the home with love, it is not considered a gift-giving event.  Some guests typically give small token gifts such as candles, books, or bottles of wine.   This is not an event to register for and we don't mention or expect gifts. Because the purpose is to warm the home with love, the homeowner hosts in the home and invites everyone who is important to him/her....

  Dear Polite One, How should I reschedule a  retirement party?  Do I send another invitation? Gasp! Dear Gasp! It depends on the number of people you need to contact and your time constraints.  If there is little time and/or it is a small intimate group, call guests about your planning changes. Alternately, if it is a larger group, calling all of them may be time prohibitive.  So, you may have to send another invitation with the new information, including your phone number in case anyone needs more information.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Too late to send an invitation to Bat Mitzvah? Correspondence: Dr and Hubby, Grieving Brother-In-Law How to address an envelope if the wife is a doctor?

Dear Polite One, I just found an invitation to my daughter's Bat Mitzvah that didn't make it to the mailbox.  The event is two weeks from now.  This is a close friend and I hoped she could attend, but what do I say to her? If appears as if she is a second thought.  This is such a blunder! Embarrassed Mom   Dear Embarrassed Mom, No worries.  Thankfully, you found the invitation before the event.  Call or visit her ASAP and explain what happened.  Since she is a friend, she should understand.     Best wishes for your daughter's Bat Mitzvah.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One How to write a formal reply? Listing “No Children” and “Monetary Gifts” on the Invitation? She is hosting her party and asking for gifts!     

Please remember that adult birthday parties are not considered gift-giving events. Plus, if you are hosting any type of party, please do not expect your guests to pay for it.  As a host, you provide everything. Dear Etiquette Guru, I read one of your questions from a young girl that asked for advice on how to ask "guests" to pay for their meal at a party she is "hosting"....huh?! You are not a host if you are asking anyone to pay for anything. That is just obscene! I've never heard of such a thing. When you invite friends/family to a restaurant for a celebration it is common knowledge that you are hosting it, which means you are paying. I'm wondering how these GIRLS are being raised?! On a literal brighter note, I appreciate all the information you provide especially to those that are clueless. I love your site. Respectfully, Thankful to be in California! The Polite One’s Reply: Thank you for your support.  And it is good to note that we ...

  Dear Polite One, I am hosting my parent's anniversary party at a restaurant. How to tell guests that they will have to pay for their meal? Loves Parents Dear Loves Parents, This is a huge no-no and there is no polite way to list this on invitations.  It is never, ever, polite to ask guests to provide the party.  If a host invites, a host hosts the entire party.  They pay. Host the party you can afford to host.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One She is hosting her party and asking for gifts! Should I send an anniversary card to my mom if dad has passed? Listing “No Children” and “Monetary Gifts” on the Invitation?

  Dear Polite One, My friend is hosting her own birthday party at a restaurant, expects us to buy our own dinner, drinks, and give a gift.  She prefers gift cards.   She actually listed her registries on the invitation.  How do I tell her that this is tacky and rude?    Worried Friend Dear Worried Friend, You are correct that it is tacky to ask friends to pay for the parties. Expecting gifts is even worse.  Requesting a specific gift is beyond impolite. Yikes!  Plus, we never register for birthday parties.  Unfortunately, you could lose your friend by mentioning this to her. Perhaps you might try telling her that you have read that this is impolite and are worried about her reputation .  It might help, but probably won't.  She doesn't appear to care about what others think.  Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Listing “No Children” and “Monetary Gifts” on the Invitation? Mother-in-law ...

  Dear Polite One, I don't want children attending my husband's 60th birthday ; may I state this on the invitation?  I also want to request monetary gifts.  How do I include this information?  Wants cash; no kids Dear Wants Cash; No Kids, Please don't list "no children " on the invitation, as it would appear too harsh.  The time of the party and venue should be enough for parents to know better.  You could also get the word out through the grapevine.  Perhaps you could include an RSVP with your phone number necessitating guests to call you.  Then, share your wishes.  An adult birthday party is not a gift-giving event.  Even if it were, requesting cash is never polite.  If guests ask what he wants, you could mention the cash option.  Expect guests to cringe though.  It is incredibly impolite.  Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Mother-in-law added names to the guest list! Do I nee...