Got Etiquette Advice?

  Hello Polite One, My partner and I disagree about the proper etiquette when guests bring food to a dinner party . She insists on sending whatever is leftover back home with them (especially dessert). She does it mostly because she doesn't want it in the house.  But the guests often look offended, as if we didn't enjoy the food . I say we should keep it, offer it to them perhaps, but not insist. Any thoughts? Thank you. Lynn in Trinidad, California Dear Lynn in Trinidad, California, Great question.  When a guest gives you something, even food, it is a gift .  If you return it to them, it is as if you are saying that you didn't want it. I guess you win this disagreement. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Dinner Party Etiquette in Four Situations When guests bring food, should they take the leftovers home? How do I politely decline offers of help? 

  Dear Polite One, My question deals with offering alcoholic beverages at parties . Is it rude for the host who does not drink himself, to not offer drinks to those who do?  I would love to know the answer because I am planning a dinner party and am unsure. Sober Dear Sober, It isn’t entirely rude, but it is slightly inconsiderate.  As hosts, we should always consider our guest’s preferences.  And people who do drink like to do so during a party.  It is just a common component found at parties.  This isn’t to say that it cannot be done.  You could verbally inform your guests that you do not drink and therefore won’t be serving any alcohol .  They can then choose to attend or not.  You could serve drinks that seem like alcoholic drinks minus the alcohol.  There are many recipes online for ‘virgin’ drinks. Another option is to host your “gathering” in the early afternoon when most don’t drink alcohol.  Perhaps it could b...

    Dear Polite One, My husband's work-related retirement party will be at a restaurant--employer pays for only current employees.  We are allowed to invite others to the party, but I'm at a loss of how to word the invitations, informing them that they will be expected to pay their own check? Thanks, Worried Wife Dear Worried Wife , This is one of the very few exceptions to the "you invite so you pay" rules.  Basically, the reason for the exception is it's organized through the employer.   Contact the restaurant to find out the fee they expect the invited to pay.  It is most common for it to be a choice of predetermined entrees.    Then you could send out an invitation like: Share in celebrating Sam's retirement at Happy Restaurant, 5 pm, Friday, March 1. Happy Restaurant is offering XX, XX, and XX for $$ per person. Please contact XXX for more information.  Hope to see you there.  I would also call each guest t...

  Dear Polite One, What is the proper thing to do if a guest brings wine to a dinner party?  Do we serve it or not? Gifted Dear Gifted, A gift bottle is just that, a gift.  Nevertheless, as great hosts , and knowing that many don't know this, we try to elicit information slyly.  Statements like, "This looks like a great bottle, would you like me to open it with dinner?" Or "Do you think this will go with the main course?" may get the information we need. This gives the guest the opportunity to tell us his/her intentions.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Do I include titles on place cards? When guests bring food, should they take the leftovers home? How do I politely decline offers of help?    

  Dear Polite One, When I entertain, I don't want assistance in the kitchen.  I have my reasons. So, is there a polite way to say, "thanks but no thanks".  I want to let them know I appreciate their offer but don't want to haggle over it.  Is this polite or am I being a bad hostess by declining their help? Needs no Assistance Dear Needs no Assistance, Perhaps try thanking them for their offer , following up with, "I am such a stickler for how things should be done in the kitchen that my (pick your noun) is afraid to help." Then laugh/smile. This is usually effective, keeps guests laughing, and out of the kitchen.  You may still be stuck with them underfoot. If so, just smile and tell yourself that it is only one night.   The one rule is that as well-mannered hosts , would try to avoid making our guests feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, this means that sometimes we must allow others to help.  Alternately, you could wait to clean up until...

  Dear Polite One, When guests bring food , should they take the leftovers home? Thank you in advance, Visitor Dear Visitor, A host should provide the entire party/ dinner .  There are exceptions, like groups who take turns hosting dinner parties.  Examples are a movable feast, neighborhood get-togethers, and family gatherings.  If they or you bring food, the leftovers should remain at the home of the dinner.   That said, if a person doesn't finish a steak (or similar the host provides), it would be best if the host wraps it up rather than tossing it.  It's good manners. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Dinner Party Etiquette in Four Situations Hostess Gift, Buffets, and Dietary Dilemmas Do I include titles on place cards?

  Dear Polite One, When preparing name place cards for the table , do you include a person's title such as Lord, Lady, or Judge. Thank you A Visitor from Cardiff Dear Visitor from Cardiff, I’m so glad you found me.   Yes.  If this dinner were formal enough to use place cards, guests’ titles would be listed.   Enjoy your event! Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Learn how to eat quesadillas, and bread and butter politely. How did the American method begin? Dinner Party Etiquette in Four Situation

    Dear Polite One, Is it appropriate to wear a linen suit year-round and at any time of day in warmer climates like Florida? We are invited to an upscale dinner and am worried that a white linen suit might be too casual.  Loves Linen Dear Loves Linen, Fabric and color are no longer season -dependent, but now based on climate. As such, linen is appropriate any time for these warmer climates. There are darker colors for more formal applications though, which may be best for your dinner. Even though Floridians tend to go for color, it may be best to stay with a darker colored linen suit.   Sincerely, The Polite One More From The Polite One Formal Look for a Charity Function in Seattle Visitor’s Advice About Wearing Nylons in DC What to wear to the Bat Mitzvah

  A thank you note is such a small thing, yet so enormously powerful in our personal and professional life.  Please master this skill.   Dear Polite One, My husband and I were recently invited to the home of one of his co-workers for dinner who is a talented chef. We brought a bottle of wine and flowers. We, with three other couples, enjoyed a wonderful dinner and conversation, etc.  Is it proper to send a thank-you note for a most enjoyable evening? Visitor from Worcester, Massachusetts Dear Visitor from Worcester, Massachusetts, Yes, it is.  I'm so glad that you asked me.  Many are forgetting the nicety of writing thank-you notes for a dinner invitation to another’s home.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One “One gift per invitee." How many gifts? Ms. or Mrs. for a divorced woman? Correspondence: Dr and Hubby, Grieving Brother-In-Law

  Hello Polite One, I need help with the following scenario! I have been invited to dinner by my sister-in-law.  Mother-in-law and another sister-in-law will also be in attendance.  My sister-in-law said to me that I may invite others as well.  I find this sticky/difficult, for several reasons. Several of the parties are not friendly with one another.   Inviting the person(s) says you are paying for dinner; that’s not happening If guests are limited, others will be offended they were not invited. Sincerely, Tarole Dear Tarole, Hello there! You have a perfect out.  You could inform your sister-in-law that you don't feel comfortable inviting people to another's affair.  Plus, it is even more uncomfortable because guests would have to pay for themselves...this is awkward for you.  If she insists that this isn't a problem for her, just stay firm stating that you really don't feel comfortable with it.  Then you could foll...

Dear Polite One, I want to throw my first dinner party and I am very new to this.  I would like to serve the food pre-plated.  My question is, how should I set the table?  Should I only set out the flatware, napkin, and glasses? I love the look of having everything laid out, but it doesn't seem practical in this circumstance.  Is there a happy compromise to be made? Thanks, Rachel, Utah Dear Rachel, You could set it like that.  But it is more proper to use chargers as well.  These are large plates that ‘save’ the setting until the first course is finished.  You set the first-course plate or bowl on top of this large plate and then remove all when it is finished.  Sincerely, The Polite One Picture Credit: Table setting at the 2019 Paulée Dinner at DeLoach Vineyards in Santa Rosa, California; Sarah Stierch ( CC BY 4.0 ); File:2019 Paulee Dinner - Stierch 05.jpg - Wikimedia Commons   More by The Polite One It’s J...

  Hi Polite One, I have been searching online but couldn't find an answer.  Do you know if setting the forks, tines down instead of the traditional tines pointing up, on the table is considered appropriate?  Here in NYC, some fancy restaurants do that, and my friend argued that "they don't know what they are doing" when I think it is just a modern variation. You as the expert should have some thoughts about it. Thanks. Girlie Chang, NYC Dear Girlie Chang, It is fine and is done often, although we don’t accept it as completely proper.  In a restaurant, they are trying to create drama.  Therefore, they may place their napkins in glasses as well.  This is also not how we traditionally set our tables.  But it looks nice.  Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One It’s Just Food Learn how to eat quesadillas, and bread and butter politely. How did the American method begin?

Hi Polite One, We are hosting a dinner party for 8.  I have reviewed a few etiquette websites, but none of them answer these questions. How long should there be between courses? If it will be a while because of prep time, should guests be encouraged to get up from the table? Is soup always served before salad? I may have to tend to the entree while soup/salad is served.  Is this rude? I guess my issue is about timing.  I know how long my menu will take to prep, but I don't know how long my guests will take to eat, and I don't want things to burn/get cold/overcook. Lastly, we always eat at our breakfast nook table, which is really in the kitchen.  We have had one family Thanksgiving where we ate at the dining room table, but people seemed uncomfortable because of the formality of the room.  Our kitchen is newly remodeled, beautiful & welcoming.  We can seat 8 in either room.  Is it OK to have guests eat in the kitchen?  Tha...

  You have just been invited to a dinner party !   What do you do?   Do you ask if you can bring something, thank the host for their offer?   Do you arrive fashionably late, at the stated time, or early?   Do I really need to RSVP?  A polite guest thanks the host for inclusion and follows with an offer to bring something.   Perhaps a bottle of wine.   The gracious  host typically states that it isn’t necessary.   Still, it is best to take a hostess gift anyway.   Examples: bottle of wine, flowers, or even a small box of chocolate.   Knowing that I love wine and teach Wine Etiquette , one generous guest once gave me a book about wine.   His name is on my permanent guest list!   What about your arrival time?   Well, that isn’t easy to answer with so many cultures in our world.   Some demand strict punctuality and some view time as irrelevant. To be on the safe side of the etiquette road, arrive at the ...

What to bring to dinner? Dear Polite One,  When invited to a dinner , family or not, should I bring a hostess gift, dessert, or wine?  Thanks Empty-Handed Dear Empty-Handed It's best to ask if the host would like for you to bring something, like dessert.  A good host will decline.  But you should always take some sort of hostess gift, such as a bottle of wine, flowers, or candy. The Polite One How much to Pile on a Cocktail Party Plate? Dear Polite One When attending a Cocktail Party or Happy Hour and the host is having hors d’oeuvre  to be eaten on a small saucer plate, how many of each item should you get or place on your plate? Thank you, James Dear James,  There is no absolute here because items may be large or small and how can we assign a number to this.  So, we should use discretion as not to appear ravenous or greedy.  Just place a few, perhaps three items on your plate at a time.  We wouldn’t want our plate to appear h...