Got Etiquette Advice?

    Dear Polite One, I received a large monetary gift from a relative.  She stated that she would rather distribute it while she is still living and get joy from seeing how it is used.  I thanked her verbally when I received it and would like to know what the proper follow-up is.   She and I both live in the same small town and I visit her frequently.  Should I still send a written thank-you note through the mail, or give it to her when I visit her this week or is a verbal thank you appropriate? Thank you for your suggestions. Thankful Dear Thankful, Generally, a verbal thank you is fine when you receive a gift face to face.  However, a handwritten thank-you card sent by snail mail is more personal and very proper. Most sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One What is a good thank-you gift for my city bus driver? No Gift Hubby! What’s a Wife to do? Was it wrong to give a gift to her husband?

Dear Polite One, My husband and I are high school sweethearts and have been together for 25 years.  In the past, he gave me a gift on Valentine’s Day and for our anniversary but never for Christmas or my birthday.  Now he doesn’t give me anything, not even a card.  How do I respond to that? Tracy Dear Tracy, In my opinion and experience, most men are much more direct than women.  Women tend to "infer" their preferences, while men directly state them.  It may be best for you to speak directly to your husband about your feelings.  Perhaps he doesn't feel comfortable purchasing gifts .  Perhaps his feelings have changed.  You won't know unless you discuss this with him.  But prepare to hear something you may not want to hear.  I hope it is not hurtful.  Having said this, I am not a therapist or a relationship expert, although I have some experience due to my job.  I can only offer my opinion.  So, take my advi...

  Dear Polite One, My city bus driver is very nice and always waits for me at the bus stop before she leaves.  She always goes above the expected. What kind of gift is appropriate to give her as thanks? Thanks, Tracie Dear Tracie, Great question!   We should acknowledge those with whom we have a relationship or who have assisted us.  The holidays are a perfect time to do this, but we can give our thanks any time.  Since the bus driver isn't a close friend, it is best to give her something generic, but thoughtful and not too expensive.  Use what you know about her.  Does she always wear cute little pins on her uniform?  Does she always have a Starbucks coffee on her dash?  Those are clues to thoughtful gifts you could give.  Perhaps she loves to read.  Try to find out as much as possible in a few days to make a good choice.   A gift card of $20-$25 is a good amount to a coffee shop or bookstore is...

Dear Polite One, We are going to visit my brother-in-law and his wife.  While visiting them, his boss is throwing a birthday party for his twin daughter's one-year-old birthday.  Although we do not know the family, my brother-in-law has requested we attend the party with them.  He has his boss’s permission.  Our question is, should we bring a gift for the girls that we do not know, or is just a gift from my brother-in-law correct? Stephanie Dear Stephanie, You are not expected to give a gift to the children .  However, you have been included and should give a hostess gift, such as flowers. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Hostess Gift, Buffets, and Dietary Dilemmas Two Tips for New Relationships How did the American method begin?

  Dear Polite One, A cleaning service cleans my home once a month.  Since I assume gifts, or at least a tip , are expected by house cleaners for the holidays, what should I give? I'm having difficulty figuring this out since there is always a team of people who are not necessarily the same each time. Holiday stressed Dear Holiday Stressed, Tipping is discretionary and may depend on the region.  However, the going gratuity rate is $25-$100 during the holidays depending on the level of service you receive. Since they only clean once a month, I suggest $25-$50 per person.  The tip could be shared between those who clean your home.  On the other hand, a nice box of candy with a note would be fine also.  That could also be shared.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Brother agreed to no gifts but gave anyway–what to do? Was it wrong to give a gift to her husband? Niece gave to all children except mine–what to do ?

Dear Polite One, I'm a bit embarrassed and heartbroken.  I gave my mentor and her husband, who is also very active in our group, holiday gifts.  His was a bird book because he had mentioned several times that he wanted to learn more.  Her gift was similar.  They didn't open their gifts in my presence but took them home.  The next day, she returned the gift saying that it wasn't appropriate . What did I do wrong?   Confused Dear Confused, Well, I'm confused as well. I don't get it!  You gave a very considerate gift to her and her husband.  Since you gave to both, she couldn't have been surprised about a gift given specifically to her husband. And a bird book is a safe, neutral, and inoffensive gift.   I just don't understand what you could have done to deserve this treatment. You did nothing wrong.  She acted inappropriately.     Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One     Bro...

Dear Polite One, My brother and I agreed not to exchange gifts due to financial constraints. Imagine my surprise when, as an early family Christmas gathering, gifts were exchanged including one from my brother and his wife. I was mortified in front of the entire family, as I was empty-handed. What should I do now?  Should I give them a gift?  I feel cheap and embarrassed.   Mortified and embarrassed Dear Mortified and Embarrassed , It sounds as if your sister-in-law loves to give.  It makes her happy. She knew about your deal with her husband/your brother, so she must realize that gifts were not in the mix.   It was her decision to give, so you are not obligated to reciprocate in kind. Homemade cookies or candy , something from the heart, might be appropriate if you wish to give. Other than that, don't worry, smile, and say thank you for her need to give.   Giving is more than simply buying, wrapping, and presenting a store-bought present. Friendship ...

  Dear Polite One, Isn't it customary to send a gift if you receive a graduation announcement? What about if we receive an invitation to a graduation party?  Do we send a gift if unable to attend the graduation party? Haven't a Clue Dear Haven't a Clue , You are not obligated to send gifts for the announcement or invitation. If you are very close to the graduate and wish to give, you may. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One     Is a military going away party a gift-giving event? How to inform guests to only give gift cards for my housewarming? What is a good college graduation gift for an adult?    

  Dear Polite One, I just bought my very first home and I cannot wait to make it into my little haven. I will soon host a housewarming party. How do I politely tell guests not to give me gifts? I doubt that they can match my decor and I don't want to store the gift to display it when they come over.  I'd rather just have gift cards. How can I word this on an invitation? Sincerely,                                                               Gift cards only Dear Gift Cards Only , First things first, it's not nice or polite to refuse a gift .  However, you certainly can get the word out that you'd prefer no gifts or write it on the invitation. You could tell ...

  Dear Polite One, Should single people give gifts equivalent to the gifts married couples give? As a single person, I don't have as much money as those who have two wage earners in the family. My sister and her husband make twice as much as I do and give me one gift per event.  I give two – one for each of them – plus gifts for their children .  It doesn't seem fair and I'm running out of money.   Gift Poor Single Girl Dear Gift Poor Single Girl, All gift-giving should be viewed as optional, so there are no rules about who gives what and the value of each gift.  None of this matters.  The focus should be on recognizing those we love.  This could be any gesture and doesn't have to include money.  As a single girl , you are the same as any of us.  Spend the amount you wish to spend.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Acknowledge the birth of brother’s child with a card? How to request funds for col...

  Dear Polite One, My brother's fiancée’s sister just gave birth.  I'm wondering if I should acknowledge the birth with flowers or a card.  My brother filmed the birth. Thank you, Jennifer Dear Jennifer, It is entirely your choice.  The very least would be to send a card.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One       Do we include favors for an adult birthday party? How to request funds for college account? How to request no gifts for child’s birthday party?

  Dear Polite One, How can I request guests contribute to my birthday girl's college fund? We'd much rather build up the college fund than have more toys around the house. Dear Funds for the Future, I’m sorry, but this is not polite .  Even though gifts are somewhat expected for the birthday of a child, it is impolite to expect gifts and/or to suggest what those gifts should be. However, you could use "word of mouth" to relay your preference to guests.  But be prepared for some to view this as impolite.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One       Is a money tree appropriate for a retirement party? How can I give a gift when I have no money? Do we include favors for an adult birthday party?

  Dear Polite One, Huge problem and even bigger accomplishment.  I'm so proud that my three daughters are graduating from three different colleges this year.  Of course, I want to host parties for all three, however I'm concerned about friends and family feeling obligated to give three gifts all at once. How do I host one party for all three graduates? Overwhelmed but Proud Dear Overwhelmed but Proud, Congratulations on the accomplishments of your three daughters . Unfortunately, I can't give you a clear answer, as there is no clear protocol for this issue.  So, we are stuck with my opinion. Even though gift giving is optional for graduates, most usually want to reward the graduate. Therefore, hosting the one big party for all three might not give each their just reward.   Although all are graduating at the same time, the three parties could be held any time for each of your daughters.  The expense for guests would be spread out better as...

  Dear Polite One, My son is graduating from 8th grade and is invited to multiple graduation parties for which I have been told that I am expected to give a gift to each kid.   I can't afford gifts for all! And I know this really isn't a gift-giving event.  But I'm assuming the parents don't know or don't care.  I feel like they are milking this trend to bulk up their bank account.  Exhausted Dear Exhausted, Craziness!   A graduation party for eighth-graders is far from a gift -giving event. Even if this were a graduation party for completion of high school, your son is not gift obliged, as he would also be a graduate. A card is the gift if he is attending any party. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One How-to plan a welcome home/graduation combo party ? How to plan graduation party for a kindergartner and announce a money tree? Do we give gifts for all graduation parties?

  Dear Polite One, We are hosting a party to honor our daughter's kindergarten graduation. She has many family and friends who have participated in her life and would enjoy such a milestone celebration.  Since she doesn't need toys, we want cash gifts for her future. How do we inform guests of our wishes?  We will also have a money tree at the party.  Proud Mom Dear Proud Mom, This is very confusing as it is far from a gift -giving event.  It's just not done and may be equally confusing to your guests.  Moreover, requesting cash, in any form, especially for a non-gift-giving event may appear as greedy.  It may appear as if you want others to provide for your daughter's future when it is your responsibility.  Please also note that a money tree is never done anymore.  All of this is just not good manners.  Sincerely The Polite One More by The Polite One How do I inform guests of attire, gift request and they pay for...

  Dear Polite One , My sister and I have an ongoing battle regarding gift opening. I think it is good manners when I give my nieces’ a gift for their birthday (or any occasion) they should open it in front of me and convey their thanks.   My sister believes the opposite and says that the gift etiquette is to open the present later.  This usually results in me having to ask later if they liked their gift.  Sometimes, they might ring up and say "thanks for the present" but then I feel no real enjoyment in the giving. I would appreciate some clarity on this subject, please. Thanks Sydney, Australia Dear Visitor from Sydney, Australia, There is no clear answer for this.  If the gift is given in private, with just you, the recipient, and perhaps her family, then she should open it.  If there are others visiting, then she should wait for a private time.  The reason for this is that we wouldn’t want to make others feel as if they should h...

  Dear Polite One, We are celebrating my daughter's confirmation in a restaurant .  For this type of event, are favors an option?   Also, the affair is for 50 close family & friends. Should the center tables have flowers, or will an ornament do? Regards, Mother Dear Mother , Favors are optional and not traditional.  The party can be most anything you like for it to be.  So, the center table doesn't have to have anything on it.  It really doesn't matter if it appeals to you.  What isn't an option is that all guests are treated.  They shouldn't have to open their wallets while in the restaurant.  This is especially important since this is viewed as a gift-giving event.  Most sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Too late to send an invitation to Bat Mitzvah? Listing “No Children” and “Monetary Gifts” on the Invitation? She is hosting her party and asking for gifts!     

  Hi Polite One, We are going to a housewarming party at our friend's new house and have no idea what to get them for a housewarming gift.  What is an appropriate gift to give them? Wants to Please Hello Wants to Please, Although, a gift is optional you could give them anything you feel they could use in their new home. Usually, people give wine, books, flowers, candles, plants, or some sort of small decoration. One guest to my site recently suggested giving a fire extinguisher.  This is a great, life-saving idea. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Perfect housewarming gift! How can I include my registries on my housewarming party invitation? Who hosts a housewarming party, when and how?