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What to Do? Two Different In-Law Issues

 Woman with In-Law Issues

How to deal with freeloading in-laws?

Dear Polite One, 

Our married son recently received his Air Force wings.  As a former Navy pilot, my husband is especially proud, as am I.  So, we wanted to be there with him to attend his acceptance ceremony.  His in-laws insisted on attending as well, which on the face of it sounds wonderful. However, my son and his wife live in a small apartment with little spare room for guests.  Her parents arrived before us and stayed with them, forcing us to lodge a hotel room; we didn’t want to crowd them too much and be a burden.  We all went out for dinner celebrating our son’s achievement and the in-laws didn’t offer to pay their part.  Out of respect for our daughter-in-law, we paid for all of it.

This is not the first time and I doubt it will be the last.  They impeded on our time with our son and freeload on our generosity.  I need relationship etiquette advice on how to deal with them in the future.  

Visitor from Texas

Dear Visitor from Texas,  

Bravo for your generosity and patience.  It was very courteous of you to decide to stay in a hotel when you found your son’s apartment occupied with the in-laws.  It probably would have been a burden on your son and daughter-in-law.  And you are right that you should have been able to share this special occasion with your son without the in-laws.   

To me, it is obvious that the in-laws will continue to live the good life on your dime.  In the future, it might be best to be upfront with what your expectations are.  State upfront that you want to stay with your son. State upfront that you intend to pay for your son and his wife’s meal and that you hope they won’t mind covering their own costs. Hopefully, through your honest and tactful explanations, they will get the hint.   

Sincerely, 

The Polite One

How to Deal With Abusive In-Laws 

Dear Polite One, 

I have tried for over 20 years to "grin and bear it" with my in-laws. I cannot take it anymore. Like you say, you cannot change other people's behavior. Is it wrong if I chose to have no more contact with them? They love my husband and my children and see them often, but they treat me with visible disdain and verbal abuse. I become very stressed when I have to attend a family function.

Can’t Grin and Bear It

Dear Can’t Grin and Bear It,

It is appropriate for you to protect yourself.  Do what is best for you, so you can do what is best for your husband and children.  If you are stressed, they will feel it.  Please discuss this with your husband though.  I sincerely hope he sides with you in everything.  This is something we need in our significant others.

Sincerely,

The Polite One

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