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What to do about hurtful mother-in-law?

How to deal with abusive mother-in-law 

When an in-law’s behavior suddenly changes after the birth of their first grandchild, one is left wondering why.  Is it jealousy or simply finally displaying what was once hidden? This young mother is experiencing exactly that.  What should she do? 

Dear Polite One, 

My mother-in-law appears to hate me since the birth of our baby.  They love our daughter and take pictures of her and my husband but ignores me.  The hurt has been building, but I haven’t wanted to say anything. Now my husband can see it as well, as his mother will tell him to take the baby from me so she can get a picture.  I don’t know what has changed in our relationship, but she now refers to me as “she” and “her”.  She won’t even say my name. 

Even though my husband sees what is going on, he won’t confront his mother or try to include me when his mother openly excludes me.  I’m beginning to resent him nearly as much as her at this point.  What can I do to recreate a healthy family relationship? 

Sincerely,

Suffering in Silence

Dear Suffering in Silence, 

In my humble opinion, your best option is open dialog. However, perhaps this is something your husband should do since it is his mother who is behaving badly.  And perhaps he doesn't realize that his mother's treatment of you could become worse and destroy what family relationship is left.  Help him understand how belittled you feel.  And, then give him a gentle push to support you and your family unit. 

Besides that, unfortunately, we often have that one family member who is less than polite. So, unless your husband can make progress with his mother, you might have to pretend that it doesn’t bother you. This may be difficult, but since you cannot change her behavior and must be around her it may be easier to smile and pretend.  It may help her change her behavior or not.  But it will help you deal with her treatment of you for now.  

I call this being like a duck.  Ducks allow the water to flow down their backs.  We cannot do this forever, so hopefully, between your kind treatment and your husband's intervention, she will warm up.   

If she continues even after your husband’s intervention and you’re tired of playing duck, you may have to speak to her yourself.  Do so privately and calmly.  Be prepared for her to play dumb as if she has no idea of what you are talking about.  This is a possibility.  So, it’s best to try the other two methods first.   

Sincerely, 

The Polite One

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