What to do about dying abusive dad?

Dear Polite One,

My father was very verbally abusive to my siblings, my mother, and me my entire life. I've maintained my sanity by staying away from him. My mother finally left him and is fine. We are very close. My siblings are fine as well but tend to keep everyone at a distance. None of us are close.

Now for my issue. My father is dying, has just a few months to live. He has no family besides his children, who want nothing to do with him. As the oldest and the one who lives closest to him, I feel obligated to care for him in his last days. At the same time, I know from what others have told me that he hasn't changed a bit. He's still as cruel and mean as ever. What do I do? How do I deal with this abusive dying father?

Guilt trip

Dear Guilt Trip,

A little play on words here: You are not your father's keeper. You aren't. He is abusive and hurtful, and this you cannot change. He chose his road many years ago.

If you feel the need to do anything, you could check into finding a hospice program for him. They could help take care of him. Nevertheless, it is his issue to find care. Yes, this is harsh. But, for your sanity and safety, it might be the best approach.

However, there is a different approach to consider as well. You could assuage your guilt by spending a few hours here and there to help with chores that need attending to at his home. If he becomes abusive, you could leave. This might give you a bit of closure as well if this is what you seek.

To become his full-time caregiver, though, might be a nightmare. If you are seriously considering this, please discuss it with those assigned to his care now, like his doctors and social workers.

Sincerely,

The Polite One

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