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How to deal with abusive family members.

 How to deal with abusive parents

Abusers tend to use the same playbook: placate their prey, and then make excuses why the prey is worthy of abuse until the prey is worn down.  The cycle continues until the prey finds a way to stop it.  The abuser, typically, doesn’t have a reason or will to stop.  So, how does the abused end this cycle?  It’s never easy.  This is one of those cases.  

How to Deal With Abusive Mother

Dear Polite One, 

Typically, when someone comes to visit, a host would plan enjoyable activities, choose restaurants to visit, tourist activities based on the guest's preferences.  However, this host doesn't want to even be in the same room with the impending guest, let alone host her.  

My abusive mother is coming to visit me, even though we haven't spoken in two years, and she continues to abuse my siblings.  I stuck up for my siblings and there was a huge fight.  She acts as if nothing has transpired between us.  I didn't invite her, but she bought her plane ticket and plans on staying with me for a week. What in the hell do I do with her?  

Miserable and Stressed 

Dear Miserable and Stressed,  

I see only two clear choices.  One is to pretend that there is no continuing abuse and you two are fine. In the end, you might have some sort of relationship with your mother, albeit a difficult one.  The other choice is to be honest and tell your mother that you cannot have a relationship with her until she seeks help.  There is nothing wrong with telling her to cancel her visit based on her abusive nature. This is an option.   

Perhaps if you were to be brutally honest about why you don't want her in your home, she might have to face her abuse of your siblings.  This is criminal behavior and really should not be hushed.  But it would be difficult since the natural reaction from those who have been abused is to give in and pretend that everything is simply fine.  Plus, there is no guarantee that she wouldn't take it out on your siblings.   

Best wishes, 

The Polite One

How to Deal With Abusive Sister-in-Law

Dear Polite One, 

I came from an extremely abusive family. I have been in therapy for years and feel that I am now a ‘whole person. One of my brothers has married a very abusive wife. One day my son, who was 4 at the time, and I was visiting my brother and his wife, my son began to touch a vase. My sister-in-law began yelling at him using profanities and threatening to hurt him.  That is only one of the many incidents that have happened. 

I am afraid to expose my son to her abusive behavior and want to protect myself as well.  It took too many years for me to be this sane.  May I politely avoid them?

Afraid for son

Dear Afraid for Son,

Please do not feel bad about wanting to protect you and your son.  It is not healthy for any of us to associate with abusive people no matter who they are.  It is unfortunate that your brother cannot see what is happening.  But you are doing the right thing, for you and your family.

Please share your experiences.

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