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Rules: thank you notes, sympathy letters, wedding enclosures...

Everyday manners for thank you notes.

Proper Correspondence of Our Times

The world of proper correspondence has changed since the days of leaving calling cards at neighbor's doors.  With our cellphones and computers, we can stay in touch with those even thousands of miles away.  Evites and a text reply are commonplace.  Nevertheless, some things resist change.  Certain thank-you notes and all condolence letters are best handwritten and mailed by post. What follows are answers to questions covering proper etiquette in today's world of correspondence.

Q: A new friend's mother just died in an accident.  I would like to send a sympathy letter, but I am not quite sure what to write. I had just met him hours before he received the phone call about his mom's accident.  Since I do not know him well enough to know anything about him personally, I'm unsure where to begin.  I also want to make sure not to write anything inappropriate.  The gesture isn't about me trying to get to know him better; it is about expressing sympathy.  My father recently passed away, and it made me feel better when people showed that they cared.

A: Sharing your experiences and feelings about losing your father might be a perfect beginning.  Follow up by letting him know that you will be there for him.  An alternate option is a generic line of, "My sincerest sympathies for your loss."  This is common, but it means a great deal when we are in pain. 

Q: bride asked me to write her thank-you notes for which she has offered to pay me.  She has extremely poor handwriting.  As a friend of the family, should I charge her for this service?  If so, what would be fair?

A: I sincerely hope she is providing you with a rough draft of the notes, as it is impolite to have someone else write these.  If each one of the notes is in her own words, it shouldn't be a problem though.    

Charging the bride is a personal choice.  Additionally, since this is not entirely proper, there is no set fee.

Q: I have blocked a set of rooms at a local hotel near our reception venue for our out-of-town guests and I'm unsure how to inform them.  Would I include a special card with guests' invitations?  I am just not sure how to word the card.  In addition, should I include the hotel room per night cost, or is that tacky?

A: Blocked rooms are usually listed on an enclosure included with the invitation, which is what you are describing.  Just list the hotel with a phone number for the hotel and let them inform guests of the cost.  The wording is a personal choice.  It is best to keep it simple.

Q: A woman my age made the following comment: “On the inside of a card it is supposed to be the lady’s name first and his last—always the woman first. This was how our business and English classes taught us.”  Certainly, this was never taught in my high school English or business class. Can you please help me end this argument?

A: As a retired English teacher, who also took business writing classes, I was never taught this either.  She could be referring to an arcane rule requiring the woman's name listed first because a man is never separated from his last name (Rose and Charles Brown).  Today, we usually use it with very-formal correspondences.  Typically, we alter the listing for those with whom we are familiar.  If it were a family member, you could list that person’s name first. 

Q: My husband and I married five months ago.  I am truly embarrassed to say that I have not finished all our thank-you notes.  I am beginning to write the rest of them but wonder if I should handle this situation in a specific manner.  Should I just apologize or is there something more appropriate to say?  Obviously, there is no excuse except for me being foolish and lazy!

A:  An apology would be an appropriate start, but do not focus on the length of time that has passed.  It is the acknowledgment of the gift and appreciation that is important.

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