Proper Correspondence of Our Times
The world of proper correspondence has changed since the days of
leaving calling
cards at neighbor's doors. With our cellphones and
computers, we can stay in touch with those even thousands of miles
away. Evites and a text reply are
commonplace. Nevertheless, some things resist
change. Certain thank-you notes and all condolence letters are best
handwritten and mailed by post. What follows are answers to questions covering
proper etiquette in today's world of correspondence.
Q: A new friend's mother just died in
an accident. I would like to send a sympathy
letter, but I am not quite sure what to write. I had just met him hours
before he received the phone call about his mom's accident. Since I
do not know him well enough to know anything about him personally, I'm unsure
where to begin. I also want to make sure not to write anything
inappropriate. The gesture isn't about me trying to get to know him
better; it is about expressing sympathy. My father recently passed
away, and it made me feel better when people showed that they cared.
A: Sharing your experiences and
feelings about losing your father might be a perfect
beginning. Follow up by letting him know that you will be there for
him. An alternate option is a generic line of, "My sincerest
sympathies for your loss." This is common, but it means a great
deal when we are in pain.
Q: A bride asked
me to write her thank-you notes for which she has offered to pay
me. She has extremely poor handwriting. As a friend of
the family, should I charge her for this service? If so, what would
be fair?
A: I sincerely hope she is providing
you with a rough draft of the notes, as it is impolite to have someone else
write these. If each one of the notes is in her own words, it
shouldn't be a problem though.
Charging the bride is a personal choice. Additionally,
since this is not entirely proper, there is no set fee.
Q: I have blocked a
set of rooms at a local hotel near our reception venue for our out-of-town
guests and I'm unsure how to inform them. Would I include a special card
with guests' invitations? I am just not sure how to word the
card. In addition, should I include the hotel room per night cost,
or is that tacky?
A: Blocked rooms are usually listed on
an enclosure included with the invitation, which is what you
are describing. Just list the hotel with a phone number for the hotel and
let them inform guests of the cost. The wording is a personal
choice. It is best to keep it simple.
Q: A woman my age made the following
comment: “On the inside of a card it is supposed to be the lady’s name first
and his last—always the woman first. This was how our business and English
classes taught us.” Certainly, this was never taught in my high
school English or business class. Can you please help me end this argument?
A: As a retired English teacher, who
also took business writing classes, I was never taught this either. She
could be referring to an arcane rule requiring the woman's name listed first
because a man is never separated from his last name (Rose and Charles
Brown). Today, we usually use it with very-formal
correspondences. Typically, we alter the listing for those with whom
we are familiar. If it were a family member, you could list that
person’s name first.
Q: My husband and I married five
months ago. I am truly embarrassed to say that I have not finished
all our thank-you notes. I am beginning to write the rest of them but wonder if I
should handle this situation in a specific manner. Should I just
apologize or is there something more appropriate to say? Obviously,
there is no excuse except for me being foolish and lazy!
A: An apology would be an
appropriate start, but do not focus on the length of time that has
passed. It is the acknowledgment of the gift and appreciation that
is important.
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