Family and Relationship Etiquette
Family can be your support system one minute and drive you insane
the next. As an etiquette professional answering questions from all
over the world, I’ve found that relationship and family issues outweigh all
other concerns. It seems that no family question is simple,
and each is unique. What follows are three of my most favorite
questions along with my answers.
Family
Trip Saga
Q: Rebecca, I was recently
responsible for planning a family trip for my siblings and their families.
We all agreed on renting a condo, the dates, and the destination.
It was my job to put it all together, including putting down a sizable deposit
to hold the date.
One sibling paid me
promptly, but one I had to prod multiple times for his share. When
it came time to choose rooms, the one sibling who paid promptly suggested I
take the primary suite since I did all the work. I, in turn, thought
it was only fair for him and his wife to choose next since he paid without prodding. The
remaining sibling is now balking that he wasn’t allowed to choose a room and is
“stuck with leftovers.”
I don’t want any hard
feelings going forward, especially since we will be sharing a home
soon. What do you think I should have done and should do
now?
A: Perhaps the best method
would have been to discuss all the possibilities before renting the
condo. You could have discussed the logistics of bedroom placement with
your family once you found out where the bedrooms were. If that wasn't
possible, then a game of chance – like drawing straws – would have been fairer.
Still, even though it
only seems fair that you should get the primary suite since you did all the
work, that option should have been voiced upfront. Additionally, if
bedroom choices were to be made based on who paid most promptly, that should have
been mentioned as well.
At this point, it may be
best to discuss all of this openly with your balking sibling, so there are no
more hard feelings.
Sister's
Home Is A Mess!
Q: My sister invites me
over to her home often, which is great since I love visiting her and my little
niece. The issue is that her home is uncomfortably filthy.
All the furniture is
old, broken, and covered with dog hair; the sink is full of dirty dishes and
there's never any toilet paper or soap in the bathroom. That’s not even
including the typical toddler mess.
I love my sister and
don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I can’t stand the filth. I’m
beginning to make up stories about why I can’t visit which is hurting both of
us.
HELP!
A: Just as it would be
unmannerly to correct someone's manners, we shouldn't correct our host's level
of cleanliness or lack thereof. Although I do understand how filth would
be off-putting.
Options include offering
to help clean the various messes. The offer should be carefully worded,
so it doesn't appear as if you are judging her. For example: "You
always have so much to do as mom-in-charge; please allow me to help pick
up." “Please allow me to help you with these dishes."
Additionally, knowing
that she never has toilet paper and soap, take some Kleenex and hand sanitizing
gel with you. You could even use the gel in her presence telling her that
you are fighting a cold. Another option is to ask her for some when you return
from the bathroom. For example, "You're out of toilet paper and
soap in the bathroom; if you tell me where it is, I can put some in there for
you." ...ever-helpful you.
The trick is to appear
helpful and kind, not judgmental. It's a fine line to walk but can be
done.
The
Importance of a Condolence Letter
Q: My sister passed away a
few months ago and it’s my brother-in-law’s first wedding anniversary without
her. I feel like I should do something. Could I send a card?
A: A card is not as
personal as a letter. In it, you could write about good memories of times all
of you were together. This might help him through this difficult
time.
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