Skip to main content

How to Deal With Sticky Family Issues

Family and Relationship Etiquette

Family can be your support system one minute and drive you insane the next.  As an etiquette professional answering questions from all over the world, I’ve found that relationship and family issues outweigh all other concerns.   It seems that no family question is simple, and each is unique.  What follows are three of my most favorite questions along with my answers. 

Family Trip Saga

Q: Rebecca, I was recently responsible for planning a family trip for my siblings and their families.  We all agreed on renting a condo, the dates, and the destination.  It was my job to put it all together, including putting down a sizable deposit to hold the date. 

One sibling paid me promptly, but one I had to prod multiple times for his share.  When it came time to choose rooms, the one sibling who paid promptly suggested I take the primary suite since I did all the work.  I, in turn, thought it was only fair for him and his wife to choose next since he paid without prodding.  The remaining sibling is now balking that he wasn’t allowed to choose a room and is “stuck with leftovers.” 

I don’t want any hard feelings going forward, especially since we will be sharing a home soon.  What do you think I should have done and should do now?  

A: Perhaps the best method would have been to discuss all the possibilities before renting the condo.  You could have discussed the logistics of bedroom placement with your family once you found out where the bedrooms were.  If that wasn't possible, then a game of chance – like drawing straws – would have been fairer.

Still, even though it only seems fair that you should get the primary suite since you did all the work, that option should have been voiced upfront.  Additionally, if bedroom choices were to be made based on who paid most promptly, that should have been mentioned as well. 

At this point, it may be best to discuss all of this openly with your balking sibling, so there are no more hard feelings.  

Sister's Home Is A Mess!

Q: My sister invites me over to her home often, which is great since I love visiting her and my little niece.  The issue is that her home is uncomfortably filthy.

All the furniture is old, broken, and covered with dog hair; the sink is full of dirty dishes and there's never any toilet paper or soap in the bathroom. That’s not even including the typical toddler mess.

I love my sister and don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I can’t stand the filth.  I’m beginning to make up stories about why I can’t visit which is hurting both of us. 
HELP!

A: Just as it would be unmannerly to correct someone's manners, we shouldn't correct our host's level of cleanliness or lack thereof.  Although I do understand how filth would be off-putting.

Options include offering to help clean the various messes.  The offer should be carefully worded, so it doesn't appear as if you are judging her.  For example: "You always have so much to do as mom-in-charge; please allow me to help pick up." “Please allow me to help you with these dishes."

Additionally, knowing that she never has toilet paper and soap, take some Kleenex and hand sanitizing gel with you.  You could even use the gel in her presence telling her that you are fighting a cold. Another option is to ask her for some when you return from the bathroom.  For example, "You're out of toilet paper and soap in the bathroom; if you tell me where it is, I can put some in there for you." ...ever-helpful you.

The trick is to appear helpful and kind, not judgmental.  It's a fine line to walk but can be done.

The Importance of a Condolence Letter

Q: My sister passed away a few months ago and it’s my brother-in-law’s first wedding anniversary without her. I feel like I should do something.  Could I send a card?

A: A card is not as personal as a letter. In it, you could write about good memories of times all of you were together.  This might help him through this difficult time.

Similar Posts

When to Send Thank You Notes

How to Handle Three Everyday Manners Problems

How to Handle Four Everyday Manners Problems


Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What is California Cocktail Attire?

Dear Polite One , What is California cocktail attire? Thank you, Confused Dear Confused , There is no such thing.   At times, it feels as if hosts just like to make these things up to confuse their guests.   I’m sure that’s not the case.   Still...      Many hosts try to create a “feeling,” or more appropriately, “set the stage” for an event.   So, they will incorporate a well-known attire category with a word that describes that elusive stage.   This leads to the confusion we both feel since neither of us can actually see inside their minds.   So, I suggest going with slightly laid-back cocktail attire, which typically is the suit for men and the little black dress or its equivalent for women.    Perhaps skip the tie and accessories that appear expensive.   Additionally, it is appropriate to call the host and ask for clarification.   Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One How to Decode a Dress Code Proper Formal Attire: Benefits, Ballet, and Glove
Post a Comment
Read more

3 Most Asked Questions About Listing Doctors on Envelopes

  How to List Doctors on Invitation Envelope? Dear Polite One , How does one address an envelope for the two following scenarios? 1) The wife is a physician, but the husband is not. 2) Both the wife and husband are physicians, and she used her maiden name. Lots of Doctors Dear Lots of Doctors, The doctor and husband: Doctor Jane and Mr. John Smith The doctor couple: Doctor Jane Jones Doctor John Smith Most sincerely, The Polite One What is the Proper Salutation for Doctor Couple? Dear Polite One , How do you write the correct salutation when both the husband and wife are doctors? Doctors All-Around Dear Doctors All-Around, If you are close friends, you would use their first names.  If this is a formal or business letter, you would use the title doctor for both: Doctors Smith, Doctor Sam Smith, and Doctor Tina Smith, or Doctors Tina and Sam Smith.  Most sincerely, The Polite One Don’t Know Husband’s Name and the Wife is a Doctor!   How to
Post a Comment
Read more

How to address a divorced woman? Mrs or Ms?

  Dear Polite One, Should I use "Mrs." or "Ms." when sending correspondence to a divorced woman? Wondering from Kansas Dear Wondering from Kansas, Both Mrs. and Ms. are proper when addressing a letter to a divorced woman. If you choose to use Mrs., you will use her first name and last name: Mrs. Jane Brown. However, Ms. is the most common title for women these days, because marital status does not define any of us. Sincerely, The Polite One More by The Polite One Too late to send an invitation to Bat Mitzvah? How to reschedule a retirement party? Mother-in-law added names to the guest list!
Post a Comment
Read more