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Stop Torturing Friends. A Housewarming is Not a Shower!

 Irritated Friend

Hello Polite One, 

I have a problem.  A friend of mine recently purchased a home and is hosting a housewarming party next month.  She is registered with her fiancé, so guests may purchase gifts, even though they are getting married next April.  She also asked in the invite that guests BYOB, and bring a side dish, appetizer, or dessert.  I think this is asking far too much, considering her home is 2 hours from where all of us live. 

She moved into a very small suburb of our city, and most people will be commuting at least 2 hours to get to her desolate home.  I gently mentioned to the hostess, that it might be too much to ask guests to bring both alcohol and food and she responded quite nastily, informing me she has a new very high mortgage and she does NOT think it asking too much. 

What is the proper etiquette here? We are close enough friends I know I can give her my opinion on anything, but I would like to get your professional etiquette opinion! 

Thanks so much! I appreciate your time! 

Ps- I also recently purchased a home, and although my housewarming is 2 months away, I’m planning on providing all food and drink. 

Thanks again, 

Juliet

Dear Juliet,

It sounds like you know proper etiquette.  And you are correct for wanting to protect your friend from a major social embarrassment.

She, like so many these days, is confused.  A housewarming is not a shower.  And, if it were to be treated as one, we wouldn’t host it.  But it isn’t.  We don’t register for gifts.  This is greedy, presumptuous behavior, and is illogical. 

You could ask her to compare this party to any other party we host for ourselves.  We could host a birthday party for ourselves every year, register, and expect gifts.  How about Arbor Day?  Perhaps we could host an Arbor Day party for ourselves and register at the nearest nursery for all the plants we need for our new yard. 

This is a disturbing trend begun by large department stores to generate funds.  Some are buying into it, but at great cost—the rest of us loath it.  So, it is best you informed her about how this is viewed. 

As for asking for guests to bring food and beverages…   Yikes?  This is what young people do when they first leave the house and have their first parties.  They do it because they don’t know any better. 

The simple rule is: you invite, you pay.  We never expect our guests to supply the party. 

Now if she insists that I just don’t know what is hip or is correct to do in your part of the country, this is not the case.  There are people all over the country making this mistake, even here in CA.  And yet, there are many more like you who know that it is a social blunder. 

We all have to make choices.  She decided to take out a huge mortgage.  No one forced her to do this.  To expect others to compensate for this is not polite or appropriate. 

You are a good friend for helping her understand what is proper and what will be viewed negatively.

She may need help with bridal etiquette.  I hope someone with a clear head is helping her with this.  People lose many friends and the respect of family when they do not follow what is considered socially expected behavior. 

Sincerely,

The Polite One

More by The Polite One

What to do About Out-of-Town Guests For Our Housewarming Party?

May I Host a Housewarming Party Without Alcohol?

Is There a Time Limit For Hosting a Housewarming Party?

 

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